Jesus Calling

(September 8):
"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day, but also the condition of your body. You assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence."


The last couple of weeks have been a flurry of activity. We have been preparing for two major life events in our household.   Our daughter got married this past Saturday and our son went off to college on Sunday.  The pride and joy we have felt has been wonderful.  Both events went off without much of a hitch and each milestone is a "right of passage" so to speak.  Yesterday I found myself drained both emotionally and physically.  Today I return to work after a two week hiatus and will most likely find "piles" of work to "catch up on".  In the back of my mind, I think of our son starting his first day of college and what new experiences and thoughts he will have.  I woke early today feeling overwhelmed at the thought of what the day will bring.
This devotional is so applicable for me today. Funny how those things happen. Relying on His strength, I am ashamed to say, isn't always my first response.  I try to "go it alone" knowing full well that that almost always leads to disaster in one way, shape or form.  It may not be an earth shattering disaster but it can come in the form of emotional and physical exhaustion.  You would think I would learn but alas, I fall short.

2 Corinthians 13:4
"For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God’s power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God’s power we will live with him in our dealing with you."

Jeremiah 31:25
"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

In His Steps
Kim

Intimacy

I have been convicted lately about my lack of blogging.  I think I get so caught up in the tyranny of the urgent that I can fritter away my time aimlessly surfing the web or perusing Facebook. We can get so lost in our modes of escapism.  It really does close us off from family, friends but most importantly it closes out our Lord.  He needs to be first in my life but often I confess that he receives sloppy seconds (more like thirds of fourths).

I am listening to an audio book by Jennifer Smith called the Unveiled Wife. Jennifer opens up her life and her heart for all the world to see and learn from the journey God took she and her husband on over the past few years. I think it is so important in the family of God to openly share our struggles so others can learn from our experiences.  Even while we are going through tough journeys, the support available from our brothers and sisters in Christ is invaluable.  I openly shared my struggles with my church family when my husband and I were separating.  They were there to pray and support us during that difficult time. I don't know how people without a faith family go through difficult times.

Another thing Jennifer talked about in her book was the meaning of intimacy in terms of our relationship with God. We often think of intimacy in the terms of a sexual relationship but
 one definition of intimacy is "A close family-like connection". I can remember having that kind of intimacy with the Lord during that difficult time. I miss it and reading that today reminded me that.  I drew close to Him and He met me where I was at.  I heard His words speak to my heart and I treasure those times.
Do we have to go through journeys in the valley to experience that kind of intimacy?  I truly don't think we do.  Perhaps listening to that audio book today was no accident?

In His Steps
Kim

Broken in a Thousand Pieces (full version)

On January 18th 2013 my life changed forever. After 18 years of marriage my husband informed me that he was moving out.  As soon as the words left his lips, I knew this time it wasn’t a threat, it was real.  At that moment God lay before my eyes, every single sin I committed that degraded,  emasculated and disrespected my husband. Every time I blamed him, criticized him, condemned him, withheld intimacy from him and disagreed with him for most every decision he made.  It wasn’t always blatant and obvious; most times it was subtle undermining.  The blinders were ripped off and the ugliness of my sin was repulsive to me!  Here I was a Christian for 16 years, playing the part, talking the talk, holding the positions; feeling valued by my Christian “family” as an ambassador for Christ to the unbelieving world, but my witness to my very own husband was like filthy rags before God.

James 1:26: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.”

It was like I hit a brick wall at full speed and couldn't catch my breath. Uncontrollable fear welled up inside me and I thought I could somehow persuade him to reconsider. I went off to work that day with overwhelming panic and prayed he would lose his nerve. I begged and begged him not to go. I knew my begging was pathetic but I had no tricks up my sleeve to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I was in a state of shock and spinning out of control.

Without a doubt this is also the day when God transformed my heart in such a significant way. Things that bothered me before didn't matter and just fell away. The persistent nagging inside my being that had to speak up and criticize my husband was miraculously gone. God had stripped the blinders and I was beginning to see my husband with new eyes like God did. Through His eyes I now saw my husband as a precious human being created and loved by Him infinitely more than I ever could. I experienced the infilling of a new unconditional love for My husband that was beyond the human realm.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

We had become strangers in the same house living separate lives. We hadn't shared a bed for over 8 years. We were more like roommates than a married couple.  Our lives rarely intersected. With his shiftwork, there were times we didn’t see each other for over 48 hours.  It became comfortable for me so I really didn’t care.  Intimacy was almost non-existent but I was convinced that he needed to change and vice versa.  It became a blame game where no one would give in.

Did I not realize over the years that I was not treating my husband well?  I could say “no”.

• ·         I could blame it on the media’s depiction of husbands and fathers as being selfish, lazy and irresponsible. 
• ·         I could blame the family’s generational routine blaming husbands for all family dysfunction and unhappiness.
• ·         I could blame other women for drawing me into conversations of man-bashing.
• ·         I could blame my first husband, other men who hurt me but to be honest, I have to admit that I knew all along I was wrong. 

Deep down on the spiritual level I knew that my actions were damaging to my husband, to our children, our marriage and our whole family….but I couldn’t stop. There were times I thought of trying but I kept justifying in my mind that “I deserved” to be happy, to be content, to feel important. After all I felt he wasn’t doing anything to make things better so why should I?  I was happy to seek my validation from other people.

“But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?” 1 John 3:17. 

Was God’s love really in me? I willfully chose disobedience.  Was I truly a Christian? Was I really saved?  Would someone who habitually sins be a child of the King? I have asked myself those questions over and over.

Hebrews 10:26: For if we deliberately sin after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins.”

I became downcast and consumed with guilt and condemnation. I spiraled further and further into a pit of depression. I went through the house and got rid of every Christian book I had except my bible. I took down any Christian picture hanging on my wall. I was a phoney, a hypocrite, a Pharisee. James 1:22-24 says

“But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise you are only fooling yourselves.  For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in he mirror. You see yourself, walk away and forget what you look like”

I read all the words but didn’t put them into practice.  It was my fault this was happening.  How was I ever going to face Jessica and Michael for causing the breakup of our family?  What kind of legacy was this for them? I wept and wept.

One Sunday in church the pastor quoted 1 Corinthians 8:1. "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". The light went on. Yes, I had responsibility for the erosion of our marriage, but God did not want me to consume myself with condemnation. My husband may not forgive me but upon my confession God had.

This new love for my husband welled up inside me and overflowed. I wanted him to receive this love from me but was it too late?  I had taken control and removed my husband as the head of our family.  This was out of God’s order and I needed it to be rectified and have him as the rightful head of our home.  Would he think that my actions were nothing more than a ploy to make him stay? I started to treat him with love, respect in joyful submission the way I should have from the beginning. No matter how he responded to my actions I treated him the same.  I learned that I didn’t need to interject my opinion into every conversation.  I didn’t need to automatically say no to every suggestion.  I knew He was suspicious and couldn't trust the way I was acting, but God had a hedge of protection over my heart and his words didn't bother me at all.

The chasm created between us had eroded deeper and wider over years of neglect and transgression.  He was still home physically but not “present” but I used this time to pour on love to him. I was truly not angry with him for wanting to leave or any of the associated circumstances.  I began to feel hopeful that my husband would change his mind and stay home permanently.

One morning I was lying in bed thinking and praying and God gave me a picture (I think because I am a visual learner). I knew it was from the Lord because I would not have “imagined” something like this. I saw God's hands holding my husband heart and He was pouring gallons of oil over it.  I knew the oil represented that God was healing my husband’s heart and that gave me peace.

Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh”

The day after this “vision” My husband became very cool towards me.  What I had thought (or hoped) were steps towards possible healing of our marriage were now manifested as distancing in body, mind and spirit.  Even though he was cool to me, I knew God had transformed my heart and truly believed He would not have done this in vain. Deep down I knew there was hope for our marriage. I believe God gave me that vision because He knew my husband was going to pull away. He knew I needed hope to cling to.

Joel 2:25 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten”

Despite this sign from God, my mind diverted to focus on my husband's contribution to the marriage breakdown.  How could this be my entire fault?  One quote I read from a Christian counsellor endorsed the idea that both parties must be at least 50% responsible for marriage. Even though I still lamented about and acknowledged my role, I somehow felt “less” at fault and focused on my pain.  When he was away at work I spent most of that time crying and asking friends for prayer. I even called prayer lines at least half a dozen times.  I remember lying on my kitchen floor weeping and begging Jesus to take me Home. I didn't want to kill myself; I just didn't want the pain anymore. I felt like my heart was broken and I was in a thousand pieces. I was unable to eat or work during this time. I believe that my own sin and lack of “control” in the situation was eating me alive.  I took a leave from work because I had nothing to give. I felt like I was dying inside.

Another morning in March I was in between a “sleep and awake” state, I heard the words spoken to my heart "Six Months".  I remember waking up feeling disappointed.  I didn't really know what "six months" meant. Was it six months until our marriage was healed? Was it six months until a change would take place? Or six months and we would be apart? Nonetheless my feeling of disappointment was from thinking I would be alone for six months.  Could I really wait "that long"? I got to thinking that six months would bring us to October and that would be the month of our anniversary, so that would be a good time for him to come home.  There I was, trying to "read God" to manipulate his message to suit my own interest; to predict what He was trying to tell me.  I needed to rest. Whatever six months meant, I had to leave it at that and trust God.

But I wasn't truthfully trusting God.  I fought for control of the situation as much as I could.  I tried to plot, plan and intervene by intercepting emails or checking bank accounts to track his steps. I was playing amateur detective but I was trying to save my marriage so I felt justified. Alas everything I tried to control turned out to be an exercise in futility.  God began to convict me of my intrusion and I started to realize that all of my investigative work was really an invasion of my husband’s privacy.  He was leaving and there was nothing I could do to manipulate or change the outcome.

It was only through God’s grace that I found a wonderful Christian counsellor who during that first visit told me that our marriage was not doomed.  He continually pointed me to Christ as the only true source of healing. I had to take my eyes off of the people and the situation and place them solely on Jesus. I needed to hand My husband over to the Lord and surrender my control.

I know people thought I was crazy when I claimed that I that our separation was “temporary” and that I was going to wait however long it took for our marriage to be restored. Dear friends who knew me best were supportive but I was often met with mournful looks and offers of condolence, like there was a death in the family.  To their defence most separations do not reconcile, so marriage death was a realistic conclusion.  I knew that I couldn’t be the only one who felt this way so I did a google search on “marriage restoration” where God led me to a ministry with like-minded women to lift me up during those difficult months. These women had walked the road I was travelling and some their marriages had been restored after months and years of painful separation. Others were still waiting for their “suddenly” (restoration day) to happen. I became (what’s known as) a “stander”.  I knew that with God’s help, I could stand no matter how long it took.  The consistent message from these women was to take my eyes off of my husband and the situation and give it to the Lord. I was to always turn my eyes on Jesus. I was to draw closer to Christ and build my relationship with Him.

I grew stronger physically and emotionally and finally went back to work shortly before my husband moved out. The morning he left I reminded him that even though he was leaving, the door was always open for him to return.  When I drove home from work that day knowing he was gone, I was in tears but genuinely thanking and God for the pain. Without the pain, I would not have drawn closer to Him or allowed Him to change in my heart.  I knew that this story was still being written.

The days passed and my intimacy with the Lord grew. I was waking early for time with Him and the revelations revealed to me during those months were unmistakably targeted to this journey. How can anyone say there is no God?  One morning I woke up in tears telling the Lord that I could not go on any longer, I was too weak.  I turned to my devotional and the scripture verse was from 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10:

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

One day driving home from work I felt the Lord say to me “your husband may never come home. You could lose your job, your family, the very life you have.  But you will NEVER lose me”. I wept. Even though I dearly loved my husband and desired for our marriage to be healed, God was really all I ever needed.  He wanted a closer relationship with me. I realized my heart was no longer broken because He had healed my heart. 

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147:3.  

“For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.” Isaiah 54:5

I connected with marriage restoration ministries through bible study that God used to open my eyes wide. In the first lesson I was convicted about overly sharing my situation with others and speaking about my husband’s actions.  It talked about how this actually disrespected my husband and arouse self-pity and anger (TRUE it did!) “These emotions are of the flesh and will wage war with your spirit.”

Galatians 5:17, “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.”

This is what I had done out of my pain and the need to process my grief, but in that process I took my eyes off God and His Word  looking for my own answers to suit my needs.  God truly wanted to heal my heart and my life before He could ever go on to heal our marriage. This journey of reconciliation was not just about our marriage but truly about my disconnection with the Lord. I took my eyes off Him and lived life my own way. 

Then I read:  “Do you have a quarrelsome spirit?  Are you a “know-it-all”?  Do you have a contrary comment to the things your husband says?  That was me. “But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged” (2 Tim. 2:23).

The chapter on the “Contentious Woman” was the one that really slapped me in the face.  The NIV calls her the “Quarrelsome Wife”.

In the message Proverbs 27: 15-16 reads: A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You can’t turn it off, and you can’t get away from it.

Proverbs 25:24: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:19 “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.”

I cried and cried. I could finally hear God loud and clear. I’m sure He spoke this to me before but in my pride, I refused to listen. I was still playing the victim and doing it well. Even though my heart had been transformed toward my husband I was still holding back. I was comfortable with the amount of responsibility I had given myself but God revealed to me that regardless if it was 50:50 or 70:30, I needed to look within and be accountable for my own actions. I needed to listen to the Holy Spirit, depend on Christ, renewing my mind and not assigning blame to anyone else.  The hard reality was the “contentious woman” was staring back at me in the mirror and it needed to change. My obsession with control destroyed our marriage driving my husband so far away that he had choices before him that he should have never had to consider.

This goes back to Genesis after the fall where the New Living Translation says in Genesis 3:16: Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

One commentary I read quotes:  “What the curse of sin created, believers in Christ are called to correct by living according to God’s Spirit. Ephesians 5: says that the wife should willingly submit to her husband’s authority in the home, in essence, refusing to scratch the curse-fueled itch to seize control”

Learning to be a wife as God intended is counter cultural. In the world we are taught to be women of independence looking out for number one. Society tells us to be women who take control in all situations especially in our marriage and family instead of depending on the Lord.  I have new joy embracing the role God has graced me with as wife and help meet for my husband knowing that after God My husband is my priority and this is how I honor Him. The underlying resentment I held on to for so many years has vanished.   One of the many relationship lessons I learned, is the only control that you really should have is self-control. All other control goes needs to be surrendered to Jesus Christ.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

I also love how the Message says it: “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

One week later, “out of the blue” My husband texted me and wanted to “get together”. I hadn’t heard a word from him for 2 months. Instead of calling, pestering and pursuing him I let him to make the decision to contact me when he was ready. I knew it had to be God’s timing, not mine.  Did he want to discuss separation or divorce? This was something I feared but I knew I could face whatever was ahead.  The first meeting started as a casual coffee between “friends” but then turned into the beginning of our final lap of our restoration journey. God unfolded this length of the voyage much faster than I ever expected, but I was letting My husband take the lead and trusting the timing. Things were happening faster than I had ever anticipated but God reminded me that He didn’t want me to waste time trying to figure things out, just trust Him. 

My husband was so completely different towards me. There was a new softness to him and I knew his heart was changed he treated (and continues to) treat me like a queen.  My husband moved back home in July, which was almost exactly “six months” from when the journey began in January. Over the past year we have had a completely different marriage.  I tell people I have the husband I always wanted but never allowed him to be. I am having the blessing and opportunity to watch my husband grow as the head of our household and see his confidence develop each day. There are days I still struggle with wanting control, but being aware of and identifying it helps me to give it to God, where it needs to be. Supporting my husband is my priority and on the days he feels he has no one else in his corner, he knows that I am there cheering him on. God is working in his life and his story is still being written.

I have had well-meaning people worry that I was assuming most of the blame.  If you ask my husband, he will be the first to say that his role was significant and “it takes two”. He has had his own journey but that is for him to share when and if he chooses.  Regardless of what anyone else has done, we are all accountable to God alone for what we do and say.

For so many years I sought to find my identity and affirmation in education, positions and job and really these pursuits became gods to me.  It gave me a feeling of superiority over others and especially my husband. I lost focus as to where my true identity is found. I had built my foundation on sinking sand destined to wash away. My identity is found only in Jesus Christ and the role he has for me as His child, a wife to my husband and a mother to my children. 

My dear church family was there for me.  Even though they were dealing with significant church issues they were all still able to cry and pray with and for us. God used them to hold me up when I couldn’t stand up. They were there through the days and nights, the tears and fears. I don’t know what I would have done without them and each and every one of them knows who they are.  The support of my church family was critical in those difficult days. They have all been there to celebrate the victory with us without judgement.  I know they all genuinely love my husband and our family. For that I am deeply grateful.

1 Corinthians 12:24-26: “…God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the less honorable, so that there would be no division in the body, but that the members would have the same concern for each other. So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.”

"The true expression of Christian character is not in good-doing, but in God-likeness. If the Spirit of God has transformed you within, you will exhibit divine characteristics in your life, not just good human characteristics. The secret of a Christian's life is that the supernatural becomes natural in him as a result of the grace of God, and the experience of this becomes evident in the practical, everyday details of life." --Oswald Chambers

Heart on My Sleeve

"He commanded them that they should tell no one the things they had seen, till the Son of Man had risen from the dead." Mark 9:9

I read this devotional by Oswald Chambers this morning that focused on this scripture. It spoke to me in more ways than I care to admit.  I am the type of person who has always worn her heart on her sleeve.  I am an open book and I have always taken pride in this part of my personality.  After all I am open and honest and how can you really get into trouble if you aren't hiding anything?  Well I can and I have most recently.

First thing the word "pride" should be a warning sign, shouldn't it?  It's not the type of pride that says I'm proud of my kids. It's the pride that says "This is my way and I like it that way!" "This is just part of who I am so live with it!" Pride that says my way or the highway is capable of great destruction.
"For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world." 1 John 2:15

Do I really need to "tell all"?  I am so eager to share my epiphanies that are from the Lord. Those awakenings on the Mount of Transfiguration that are special to me.  It's like the t-shirt says "Jesus Love You, but I'm His Favorite".  Do I have a sense of being the preferred child of God.  I do genuinely want to share what the Lord is doing in my life. We are supposed to share our testimonies of great faith to encourage others. 

I fervently share but I have to first check the state of my heart. Am I sharing to  hold over you that God has shown this to me and it's my duty to make sure  understand it for your life? I get excited when I comprehend something for the first time or I see God working in a loved one's life.  Do I really need to go to the phone (Facebook or email) or should I go to the Throne of my King?  

If I see God move in my husband's life, I need to thank and praise Him for transforming my husband. I need to stand by and encourage my husband as I see him grow as the leader of our family.  I need to respect that he is a a private person and not thrilled that others know his business.  I may see it as a good story that needs to be told, but it is his story, not mine alone.

If I see God drawing my children to Him, I need to thank Him for His Holy Spirit working in their lives. I need to encourage them with each step of faith that they take and continue to point them to Jesus.  They too are more private than I am and don't always appreciate the heart on my sleeve. 

Just when I think I have it "mostly" together, God reminds me of a growth area in my life.  So thankful He doesn't reveal things all at once, it's always one step at a time.

“I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now” John 16:12

"“…tell no one….” But so many people do tell what they saw on the Mount of Transfiguration— their mountaintop experience. They have seen a vision and they testify to it, but there is no connection between what they say and how they live. Their lives don’t add up because the Son of Man has not yet risen in them. How long will it be before His resurrection life is formed and evident in you and in me?" Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

In His Steps: 2Chronicles 7:14

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Even though this verse is part of God's promise to Solomon for Israel, I believe that God spoke to me through this verse at a low point in my life. I had been disobedient to God and was totally blind to my sin. Through the course of my sinful decisions the weight of my disobedience came crashing in on me and destroyed my family.  
He opened my eyes to my sin and took me on a journey that stripped away every ounce of control I believed I possessed. I began a journey of earnestly seeking God's face to discover His will for my life. The ugliness of my sin was before my eyes and for the first time in my life. I mourned how I had grieved the heart of God. The good news is that there is forgiveness of sin through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Repentance by seeking His Kingdom and His righteousness needed to be a lifestyle re-birthed from the depth of my soul, so the healing of my land could begin.

Broken in a Thousand Pieces (short version)

One day after 18 years of marriage my husband informed me he was moving out.  As soon as the words left his lips, I knew this time it wasn’t an idle threat. God immediately began revealing to me every sin I committed that degraded, emasculated and disrespected my husband. Every time I blamed, criticized, condemned or withheld intimacy was before my very eyes. The blinders were ripped off and the ugliness of my sin was repulsive to me! Here I was a Christian for 16 years, playing the part, talking the talk and holding the church positions. I felt so valued by my Christian “family” as one of Christ’s ambassadors to the world, but the witness to my own husband was like filthy rags before God.

James 1:26: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.”

I felt stripped bare to the core that day, but in that process God miraculously transformed my heart for my husband. I experienced an infilling of unconditional love for him that was beyond human comprehension. The persistent nagging inside my being that had to speak up and criticize my him was miraculously gone. So many things that irritated me in the past were washed away.  I began to see him through God’s eyes as a precious human being created and loved by Him.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

We had become strangers in the same house living separate lives. We were more like roommates than a married couple and our lives rarely intersected. We hadn't shared a bed for over 8 years but I was comfortable with that arrangement, so I didn't care to change.

Had I not  realized over the years I was not treating my husband well? I could say “no” and blame other men who had hurt me, other people or society. I have to confess that deep on a spiritual level I knew my actions were damaging to my husband and our whole family.  All factors may be reasons for my behaviour but  no excuse to treat him with disrespect he didn't deserve.

This new love for my husband welled up inside me and overflowed. I had never felt this way and I wanted him to receive this love from me, but was it too late? I had taken control and removed him as head of our family where God intended him to be all along. Would he think that my actions were nothing more than a ploy to make him stay? Regardless, I started to treat him with respect and submission the way I should have all along.

But I was not completely obedient and trusting God. I fought for control of the situation by plotting and intervening like an amateur detective. I intercepted emails and monitored his bank account justifying it because I was trying to  save our marriage. God began to convict me of my intrusion and I realized it was actually an invasion of my husband’s privacy. The harsh reality was, he was leaving and there was nothing I could do to control or manipulate that outcome.

After he moved out I withdrew and began to focus on my own pain.  I started to dwell on
 my husband’s contribution to the marriage breakdown in my own private pity party. I remember lying on my kitchen floor weeping and begging Jesus to take me Home. I felt like my heart was broken and I was in a thousand pieces. I now believe it was my own sin and lack of “control” eating me alive. One morning I woke up in tears telling the Lord that I couldn't go on any longer, I was too weak.
I turned to my devotional and the scripture verse was from 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10:
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

God wanted to heal my heart and life before He could ever heal our marriage. This journey of reconciliation wasn’t only about our marriage but also about my disconnection with the Lord. I took my eyes off Him and lived life my own way.

God used prayer and study to open my eyes and discover I was the contentious or quarrelsome woman of Proverbs. In the message Proverbs 27: 15-16 reads: A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; you can’t turn it off, and you can’t get away from it.

Proverbs 21:19 “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.”

God now had my complete attention and I wept in brokenness. Even though my heart had been transformed, I continued to hold on to control. I had  to be obedient to the Holy Spirit, renew my mind, be accountable to the Lord for my own actions and not blame anyone else. My obsession with control destroyed our marriage.
A week after this epiphany, my husband contacted me out of the blue and asked me to go out for coffee. I hadn’t heard from him in months. The first meeting started as a casual meeting between “friends”but was actually the beginning  of  our restoration journey. 

My husband had a new softness to him I had never before seen, so I knew his heart was changed. He is back home now and we don't just have a marriage restored but a one that's transformed. I tell people I have the husband I’ve always wanted but never allowed him to be. We are blessed to fall into a deeper love with each other. I am witness as he grows in confidence as the head of our household. There are days I still struggle with wanting control, but being aware helps me learn to surrender it to the Lord.

Learning to be a wife as God intended is counter cultural as the world dictates women be independent. We are supposed to take control in marriage and family instead of depending on the Lord but this is so counter productive. I have new joy embracing the role God has graced me with as wife and help mate for my husband. I know that after God, my husband is my priority. This is how I honor the Lord.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

For many years I sought to find my identity and affirmation in education, positions and career but these pursuits became my gods. I had built my foundation on sinking sand destined to wash away. It gave me a feeling of superiority over my husband. I lost focus that my true identity is found in only in Jesus Christ and the role he has for me as His child, a wife to my husband and a mother to our children.

Back to blogging

I haven't been on this blog for some time and much has happened in the past five years.  God has been convicting me that He did not allow me to go through some of the journeys without a purpose.  The many trials that we go through are not in vain. We are to share our journey with others and lift them if they are going through similar trials or having mercy for those who are suffering. 

That's why we have the Body of Christ, isn't it? This is the same Body of Christ that Paul talked about in 1Corinthians 12: 12-26

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ.  For we were all baptized by[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?  But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.  If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

In my brokenness I will endeavor to share with anyone who may come across this blog by Divine Appointment, just what the Lord has done in my life and the lives of those close to me.  

In His Steps

Kim